Dear Mr Trump,
Can I call you Donald? Or even Donnie or better still Trumpy as I think you and I should become good friends.
So Trumpy, I can’t pretend that I am that clued up on US politics, but I watch The Good Wife and House of Cards so I think I can probably hold my own. I mean it is basically all behind the scene super scheming and vote tampering.
I’m flabbergasted that you have become the butt of so many jokes lately (butt, Trumpy, butt… get it…). All the recent media-bashing suggests you are unpopular, but you know that your “let’s make America great again” calls to action have actually got people listening. There are droves of voters that like your anti-elite stance. They also seem to love the fact that you are not afraid to speak your mind.
That said, you’ve made many gaffes. One of the worst was taking the piss out of disabled journalist Serge Kovaleski, which was neither big or clever. When we become firm friends you do seriously need to refrain from all arm (and hands, Jeez especially hands) talk in the future.
So I was thinking, as it is looking increasingly possible that you are about to become leader of the free world, you are going to need a decent counterpart in the UK. I just have a feeling that you and Dave are not really going to get along. Not sure Sam will let him go to Hooters. And I think Jezza is not that interested in being the next PM – he gets his kicks from winding up the opposition (not so much fun if you are in charge).
Therefore, I am offering my services.
I’ve got this plan…
I’ll join the Conservative party ASAP and then at the very next by-election you pull some strings with the party big wigs for me to stand. Then once elected (tamper the votes obvs), I want you to
order persuade Cameron to create a new ministerial position for me: Minister of Children with Special Needs.
I need some substantial moolah to put these plans in place though. Last time I checked we were cutting back and getting rid of all manner of frivolities in this fair isle like welfare benefits and life-saving drugs. It is all about the essentials like war toys and snooper charters.
Anyway I digress – basically my old mucker I need to get my hands on some BIG dough balls.
Therefore, if you could just get me “in” on one of those shooting weekends that you guys do so I can hob-nob with the UK’s richest folk (it worked for Diane from The Good Wife after all). Then once I am on What’s App terms with the likes of Branson, Reuben, the Duke of Westminster and the Barclay brothers, I’ll just ask them for all their spare millions to help fund my new department.
I probably only need about a billion or so to implement my BIG plan.
THE BIG PLAN
- I’ll train/employ/pay better more GPs and junior doctors so that they are not super knackered and all out of effs for their patients. Then they will more effectively spot children showing some development/medical difficulties.*
- I’ll train/employ/pay better more key therapists and complex care nurses so that they don’t look like they are about to cry every time they are allocated a new child.
- Therapists will go to homes regularly to do the actual *cough* therapy and not just give parents a laminated chart expecting the untrained/busy/stressed/guilt-ridden/tired parent to contort their child into torture positions on a daily basis.
- All care and support will be centralised meaning all children get the same services based on need not local government over-spending sprees.
- Equipment will just be given without fuss and so parents do not need to organise quiz nights in church halls.
*I know that healthcare professionals’ salaries and whatnot fall under the control of Hunt, but we’ll just tell him to Shaddap You Face. If he’s not happy he can strike or something. No one really cares.
- Children will be given multidisciplinary assessment within weeks of a potential problem being identified.
- The assessors will work on the assumption that the need is present (and not that the parent is paranoid) and will always be over-generous in a needs assessment to have a buffer for the bad old days.
- Afterwards parents will not be sent out to the sunset with a wave and a good luck smile. Any therapists that are needed will be put immediately in place.
- Parents will be given counsellors who will let them offload (so they don’t bore their mates) and help them to come to terms with the new situation.
- The counsellor will listen patiently when parents rant about how crap everything is (everyone and everything will inevitably be crap in the early days because unless said doctor/therapist can actually fix their child – they will all be… well…crap).
- Counsellors will also arrange respite packages for families, but will call them something fun like “go and get slaughtered on cocktails with your husband” or “take the sibs the pics” packages.
- All pre-school children can have access to one-to-one support at specialised nurseries (or at a standard nursery if desired) at subsidised rates so parents can go back to work. It won’t just be weird non-work hours either.
- All parents will given 30 care days a year – paid for by the Government. More can be granted when needed.
- If a parent decides to leave work to look after their child they shall BY LAW be able to take a career break and given a more-than-peanuts care allowance.
- The child will have the same therapists in the school environment.
- Everyone that wants one can get an Education, Health and Care Plan (EHC). There will be no grey areas/invisible disability cock ups as trained/happy/interested/ professionals will diagnosis early.
- There will be more than one part-time person processing the EHCs so they arrive before the child reaches adulthood.
- Where a child falls through a gap/needs change – then an educational psychologist will be employed as standard. No begging/crying/calling lawyers.
- More special schools will be built – for different types of needs.
- Mainstream schools will be better supported with more SENCOs who can have as much money as they need to spend on whatever their children need (listen I have billions).
- Sibs will be made great big fusses of – with access to other children in same boat and taught coping mechanisms to navigate through emotional waters.
- They will also get LOTS of treat days. In compensation for all that lost sleep and slightly distracted parenting.
The actual child
- All house and garden adaptions – whether for mobility or safety reasons – will start early and will be done in a family friendly way with specialised architects. And every time a child surpasses expectation and does not need the adaptions anymore we will say “yahoo” and not “well that was a waste of money”.
- In fact, accessible housing will be standard in new developments (that should take care of the baby boom generation as well).
- The children themselves will be addressed at all times as people in their own right and not overlooked. Without exception.
- Whole child assessments will be regular with a lead professional overseeing all care.
- A snazzy website will detail how to access everything parents need (and more that they have not even thought of) in an easy and transparent way. Currently it would be easier to get a sneaky early peek at the JFK files than access social service support information.
- Mums especially will be given free hair shampoo so they never have greasy hair again.
So there you go Trumpy – what do you think? A good start hey?
Obviously, I will try to grab a regular coffee with good old Justin Tomlinson, Parliamentary Under Secretary of State for Disabled People and his benevolent boss Iain Duncan Smith, but only basically to say: “how much do you need to make that stupid reform disappear?” They’ll be sound as a pound as I think deep down they really would like to do more to help people in the greatest need in this country instead of being douchebags making their lives harder.
Then after I’ve got this up and running and flying, I’ll jump parties and become Labour leader and then Prime Minister and then you and I can really get shit started. You can come over to number 10 with Ivanka, Donald, Tiff, Eric and Barron for the holidays.
It is going to be epic.
So what do you say? I can be at Trump Towers in 12 hours for our first parley. You know I am totally behind you – no one wants Hilary or Peter Florrick to really win.
You absolutely have my vote.
Trumpy and Bloomer all the way.
- This post is tongue in cheek. On many counts.
- Trump does not have my vote – mainly because I am British.
- I would never ever join the Conservative party.
- Nor would I ever have a civil coffee with Iain Duncan Smith.
- I am sure the US voting system (and the British one for that matter) is extremely sound: I am making reference to two hit TV shows that do not show it in its best light.
- Donald Trump should actually hang his head in shame for his out-dated and absurd views regarding people with disabilities (and women).
- I am not actually planning to stand for election or indeed create my own ministerial position, nor am I going to use millions/billions from Trump’s UK mates to create my own infinite budget. And sadly I am not actually putting in place a new reform plan.
But believe me, if I could I really, really would.