Listen up small people,
My name is Gabe and I’ve decided to appoint myself as KING of the toddlers (AKA the boss).
If you would stop licking that dog bowl or just refrain from putting toast in the DVD player for a minute, I’ll tell you why. It is quite obvious really. At four, I am the oldest toddler here.
So there. That makes me quite simply IN CHARGE.
For a billion (yawn yawn) reasons, I’ve been taking my time with the old development stuff so I’ve lingered in that silly baby stage for far too long. It was good while it lasted. But Jeez that was so yesterday. I’m moving with the times and I’ve heard that toddlerdom is where it’s at, so I’ve come for a slice of the action.
When I say slice, I mean all of the action. Even that Prince George geezer better fall into line.
But listen, I will be benevolent and all that jazz and share with you all the secrets to being this awesome.
You see I didn’t just sit on my bum for four years watching Iggle Piggle do dances (man he’s a brilliant dude; proper cracks me up). No I’ve been watching and leaning from the best.
Basically toddlers, new and old, this is the era of noise and mess – embrace it in its entirety and remember if your mum is not nipping to the fridge to stuff her face with chocolate every five minutes you are not working hard enough.
Here are some of my wise and quite awesome observations:
- Let your parents know sharpish that it is your way or the high way. If they try to remove you from the scene of any mischief, get right close to their ears and screech really loud. Throw back your head for good measure. Aim for the nose area – that will show them who’s really in charge.
- Find the most annoying DVD possible. Mine is anything with The Chipmunks in and insist on watching it on loop at least five times a day. So what if their high-pitched squealing makes your Mum bang her head against walls. It’s all for her own good. Character building.
- Learn early that you can play Mummy and Daddy off against each other. Pretend you like Daddy best by laughing the loudest at all his funny jokes (which to be fair are a bit hit and miss). Your Mummy will have no choice but to up her game and get off Facebook and give you extra floor play. Please note: it doesn’t work the other way around. Your Dad will just use the fact you are busy with Mummy as an excuse to watch Sky Sports News in the other room.
- Sleep tactics. You mastered those last year so just keep up the good work. Remember Mum secretly loves getting up at 3am so she can watch more of series 2 of Pretty Little Liars.
- On that note, 2am (or even 11pm when they’ve just shut their eyeballs) is an inspiring time to shout all the words she has tried to teach you during the day. Throw in a few adult words for good measure (the ones she thought she was whispering under her breath when Daddy disappeared to watch Sky Sports News).
- It is your job to make Mummy look bad at every turn. Wipe snot all over your face just as she arrives at that new playgroup. Or when she is loading you into the pram on your driveway, shake your coat back off, add in one of your head nuts and the biggest screech to your mum’s ear. She’ll have no choice but to swear loudly as all the old ladies pass on the way to morning Mass. People love to judge so you are doing your bit to make the world a happier place.
- Now I don’t much like food so I am not the best person for this lesson. Just eat up your greens as they’ll make you strong. KIDDING! Refuse all food unless it comes from somewhere that has golden arches and a free toy. Even then only take a bite and accidentally throw it on the floor; you are saving your Mum from falling off the Slimming World wagon (again) by doing this. Although she can’t outrun that fork, no matter how many toffee Muller Lights she snorts.
- And just when you sense they need a therapeutic shot of the perfumed drink or three, stroke their leg and gurgle something that sounds like “I love you”. It gets you the best treats and cuddles – whatever your chosen poison. Trust me. Later on you can be all cool and pretend like you never meant it. Obvs, we all know that you totally did (cause they too are awesome), but I’ll take that secret to the grave soldier.
Now go forth and be awesome.
Love from your leader
Note from Mum: I am, of course, delighted that Gabriel has reached this magical milestone and is learning and exploring his environment in this interesting way. I am also, obviously, thrilled that he has grasped the basic intricacies of social interaction and communication through the art form of shouting and screeching. In addition, it is marvellous (so marvellous) that he has mastered choice making in such a colourful way (ie. throwing the unwanted choice at my face). It is all a joy to behold and I am very much looking forward to this next stage of his delayed development.
P.S. Please send wine
All of the wine.
And some of those chocolate covered peanuts you can’t find for love or money.
Inspired by the awesome Facebook post by the Alpha Parent How to Stop Mummy Sleeping Through the Night!