How to annoy your mother in five easy steps

An excerpt from the early memoirs of Prime Minister Gabe, leader of the free world. Then aged 3 and three quarters. A letter to his first ever school friend Dylan.

Yo Dylan!
How are you doing my main man? I’ve had the most fabbulious summer holiday but have missed hanging out with you my buddy. No one seems to wanna play with mud or smear crazy soap over their head with me. When we go back to school tomorrow we are not going to be the little ones anymore. We are going to rule the school like the Fonz or the T-birds (I’ve been watching dodgy 3am telly with my mum again). Babies smell. We are gonna be like cool dude pre-schoolers. Anyone from the Nursery Year (aka the losers) coming on to our bit of the carpet better beware! Or have Peppa Pig books to give us as tokens of their loyalty.

Hello, hello. What’s your name? Are you from the poo poo nursery
side or dude preschool side?


Mud rocks!

I’ve been having a busy summer and like found out loads of new stuff that I can do. Do you know what has been the bestest fun – winding my mummy up on the most epic scale. You’ve got to get in on some of this action mate – it’s been cracking me up. Let me tell you some of the coolest tricks I’ve learnt.

1. Demanding the phone at all times

This one has legs but I’ve upped my game of late. As soon as she brings out her phone and starts the plinky plonking I’ve perfected full on OUTRAGE. If I screech really loudly in her ear and arch my back lots then she tends to give in and give it to me. And this is the best bit. I’ve worked out that if I press the button at the top it allows me to make the ringing sound and hear all the voices go “hello, hello, hello”. It cracks me up. Remember though even when you’re a bit bored of it – don’t give it back. Hide it behind you – she’ll never find it. And if she goes to snatch just hold it above your head and let it crash down – it’s great as it does a brill smash all over the floor.

Woah stop the bus – forget the phone – who is that?!

2.  Switching off the TIVO box in the middle of The Good Wife or Game of Thrones

I loves this one. l am the master of this. Wait until your mummy is all comfy on the couch with a cup of tea. Then come out of no where like the Brotherhood without Banners (gosh Game of Thrones is fabby) and bum shuffle really fast to press the big red button on the box under the telly. Wait until she is all comfy once again and thinks you are playing with your toys and then sweep in again. Top laughs.

3. Waking up just as she goes to bed

Tell me this – how come we are little and have to sleep in a bed all by our own and they are big and get to share. What the blink. I am not having that. I don’t mind having a little snooze in my cot while they potter doing their thing downstairs but once they are climbing into bed – I want in. Sometimes they try and leave me but if you cry like really really REALLY loud they break. If that fails mate – just do a poo. That always works a treat. Once in the middle of their bed, make yourself all comfy by putting your head right next to mummy’s nostrils and putting your feet up on her belly. Again wail loudly if she tries to move. It’s well good. Everyone gets a lovely sleep.

My bed!

4. Refuse outright to go in the pram, highchair or even on the floor

Now listen carefully as this one is important and a skill I’ve only recently acquired. But it’s worth its weight in gold. You know how sometimes you just don’t wanna go in the highchair or whatever because you are busy turning the TIVO box on and off – well just don’t let them do it. It is ace. Make your body go all straight and stiff so not even the strongest man in the world can bend you (which just for the record ain’t daddy). Watch out though as mummy sometimes pulls a fast one and uses my straightness to sneak in some standing practise. And we know that’s physio – and physio should be resisted on all levels. Just cause.

5. Pulling off glasses, hair and everything that is neatly stored on reachable shelves

I didn’t like touching things before but now it is brill. You can use your hands to do stuff like pull off mummy’s glasses or sunglasses and throw them on the floor (she especially loves it when out and about). Just before she tries to put you back in the pram, change tactics and start pulling her hair especially those little fluffy ones at the back of her neck. If you are dumped on the floor, use your time wisely to go room to room pulling all the DVDs and books off the shelf. Someone will always kindly put them back so you can go and do it again a bit later. Don’t forget if you see any type of cup on the floor grab it quick – you get a gold star if you manage to pour out any of the wet stuff especially on your head. It is very mega amaze if you do it to the perfumed drink. Mummy does a funny squeal – it is beyond bonkers.

Obvs there is loads more annoying stuff to do like refusing to eat any orange mush until they put on In the Night Garden and eating so slowly you get to watch two episodes (result!) but I’ll show you all the rest of my tricks in person tomorrow.

Watch out teachers (and smelly nursery babies).

Love Gabe (aka the Fonz of the Early Years Unit)

I’m gonna rule the school

22 Comments on How to annoy your mother in five easy steps

  1. normaleverydaylife
    September 3, 2014 at 11:16 am (8 years ago)

    Sound like a busy summer for both of you, although I think Gabe's having more fun! Love the pictures! :)

  2. liquoriceuk
    September 3, 2014 at 9:08 pm (8 years ago)

    Love it – 3 and 5 are particularly true for us at the moment! :-)

  3. brummymummyof2
    September 4, 2014 at 2:03 pm (8 years ago)

    Ah bab! The Fonz! Love the sleeping piccy so cute! He's getting himself in all sorts of trouble now and there you were saying how placid and lovely he was and now he's on the move and ruining your TV fun! Can't wait to see you soon xxxxx

  4. TutyFrutyJudy
    September 4, 2014 at 8:08 pm (8 years ago)

    This is hilarious! And adorable! I can't pick a favorite because everyone of my kids habitually did at least one of these constantly, and a current three year old who chuckles maniacally after dumping baskets of toys and punching the power button on my laptop while I'm still typing!

  5. Katie-Annie Haydock
    September 4, 2014 at 8:45 pm (8 years ago)

    Amazing post! My little miss likes to hold my phone AND the TV remote… little monkeys!

  6. You Baby Me Mummy
    September 4, 2014 at 8:55 pm (8 years ago)

    OMG this is my life! All of these YES YES YES, bloody children! :) x

  7. Emma Martin
    September 5, 2014 at 1:36 pm (8 years ago)

    He is too cute!! I LOVE the Fonz/T-bird reference (i think it'easy to see that we are very much of the same generation Ali 😉 ) and i've no doubt that Gabe is ruling that room with his charm and wit! As always, gorgeous lady, such a brilliant post. So glad to have you back! xxx

  8. Honest Mum
    September 6, 2014 at 10:06 am (8 years ago)

    Aw but he's so gorgeous-Alexander does all of the above too-why do they wake up as soon as we want to sleep! Thanks for linking up to #brilliantblogposts

  9. Judith Hurrell
    September 7, 2014 at 12:41 pm (8 years ago)

    I was gonna pick out the points I could relate to until I realised I'd have to copy and paste your whole post! But the highchair/ iPhone/ glasses ones are particularly familiar at the moment. Great post lovely xxx

  10. Hayley @ Hay In A Day
    September 7, 2014 at 8:58 pm (8 years ago)

    He sounds just like my nephew! The one thing he has learnt lately is to run at me for a hug when I've just crouched down and not quite got my balance. I then end up on my back normally in a public place! He seems to time it perfectly! #BrillBlogPosts

  11. Alison Bloomer
    September 8, 2014 at 9:55 am (8 years ago)

    Thanks lovely. He is a scamp and a half! It is bliss x

  12. Alison Bloomer
    September 8, 2014 at 9:56 am (8 years ago)

    Haha – mine is the master of number three x

  13. Alison Bloomer
    September 8, 2014 at 9:56 am (8 years ago)

    Looking forward to catching up. The Fonz will be staying at home with his dad :) x

  14. Alison Bloomer
    September 8, 2014 at 9:57 am (8 years ago)

    I forgot the laptop one – need to add that quick haha x

  15. Alison Bloomer
    September 8, 2014 at 9:58 am (8 years ago)

    They are little scamps aren't they – you have to sneak out of the room to catch up on Twitter ha x

  16. Alison Bloomer
    September 8, 2014 at 9:59 am (8 years ago)

    haha – bloody children indeed. But you know what if it keeps them quiet for five mins its all good 😉

  17. Alison Bloomer
    September 8, 2014 at 10:00 am (8 years ago)

    Gosh I think you are another generation from me Emma haha. I am an old bird. As for charm and wit – Gabe is going for full on bully boy tactics (clever boy!) xx

  18. Alison Bloomer
    September 8, 2014 at 10:01 am (8 years ago)

    They are laying awake just waiting for the right moment. I might just stop going to bed and watch TV through the night haha x

  19. Alison Bloomer
    September 8, 2014 at 10:02 am (8 years ago)

    Thanks Judith. Hope you are well pet! They are just rascals aren't they x

  20. Alison Bloomer
    September 8, 2014 at 10:02 am (8 years ago)

    That made me laugh – have the mental image now haha xx

  21. Hurrah For Gin
    September 8, 2014 at 2:41 pm (8 years ago)

    Brilliant Alison!! My littlest is forever turning off the sky box and it drives me mad – more so when he changes all the settings and i can't get it back grr 😉 x

  22. Jenny Ripatti-Taylor
    September 10, 2014 at 10:00 pm (8 years ago)

    This is both hilarious and brilliant. I can totally relate to most of these too! It's crazy how they know to push the boundaries and our buttons. lol Too funny. Love the photos too! So cute despite the list. lol Thank you so much for linking up to Share With Me. It's my first week back in the UK and my one year blog birthday so it's very busy busy in the LTM household. I am hosting giveaways everyday this week so a bit behind on commenting. So sorry. #sharewithme


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