How to feel like an old hag

I have to confess I have been feeling a bit less youthful in recent years. I’ve tried to figure it out. Could it be because I need to stop flicking through my phone when I wake up in the night (such a loser) or because I should have a bit less wine and a bit more water (or even more watery wine – known locally as a spritzer).

But then it hit me. I am feeling old because I am now *ahem* older.
I am going to let you in on a secret.
But you must keep it to yourself.
Are you sure you can? I know you like a little bit of a gossip!

Here it comes…
Are you ready?
In 6 weeks’ time I am waving goodbye to the flirty thirties and I am about to enter with a heavy (ageing old bag) heart the naughty forties.

I know it’s hard to believe what with me looking like the epitome of chic youthful glamour at all times.

Honestly mum, I’d say you were only 26.
What do you mean why am I laughing when I say that!

But as I say goodbye to this decade I have a few burning questions to ask:

1. Which joker called them the dirty thirties?
Because they are dirty but not for the reasons I hoped.

What started well with an amazing girls’ trip to Amsterdam followed by a summer proposal from the boyfriend descended steadily and gradually into what shall for evermore be known as the Decade of Dirt. Everything pretty much begins and ends with poo. Or snot. Or grot. Then pee. And then back to poo some more. Kids are gross. No one told you that when you chuckled at your “funny” birthday cards on your 30th birthday and then started flicking through the glossy wedding mags. Oh no. Not one person mentioned the sewage-like smell that fugs up your baby years when you were sniffing Jo Malone scents in feffing Selfridges as you spent your Dirty Flirty Thirty birthday vouchers.

2. Where do all the old bags go?
I have been quite content to snuggle down with a Chinese takeaway and Simon Cowell for most of the past 10 years. And the advent of the box set has sealed the fate on any instigation of a trip to the pub. Yet there has been a bit of a renaissance of late as my gang from school starts hitting the geriatric heights of 40 too. We want to celebrate and mark this landmark birthday, but it has presented itself with a whole host of dilemmas.

 I am not nearly 40. I’m telling off you.

Where does one go when they are starting to think about buying shares in Botox? Yes – there is the local pub or a nice (yawn) restaurant, but we want to shake our timeworn thang without looking like we are auditioning for Cougar Town. Side shuffling in a trendy late night den a few weeks ago in what was the first of a batch of 40th birthday celebrations, I surveyed the 18+ years crowd and resisted the urge to ask if their mothers knew they were out. We sealed our antique status when we moved on to a quieter bar up the road and congratulated ourselves on the fact we’d remembered to bring our own tissues for the loo.

You can have ALL this cake metabolism but you
must make me skinny for next Saturday. Deal?

3. Why does my metabolism now sit on its arse and demand cake
I made it work hard in 2006 and then again in 2007 when I wanted to snap back to some vague semblance of a woman rather than a bowling ball. It was especially flogged big time after my little girl was born as I had a hen do in Marbella when she was a mere 4 months old. In a revenge attack in 2010 after Gabriel she flicked two fingers up at me and did a go slow. Now to get the mean old cow working you actually have to make her do lots of exercise. We all know that requires some effort so we’ve just called a truce and share Double Deckers.

4. How can I subtly ditch all these younger mates?

I don’t know what has happened. A heap of my mates are now younger than me. Man alive they are ageing me with their early/mid thirties ways. I’m suddenly the old hag of the pack. I have lost a few peers from my age group along the way mostly for being a baby bore or forgetting to text people back for a couple of years. You can read my How to lose your friends guide here (I am obvs doing a series here). I still stand by the line “for the fair-weathered few that I have lost along the way, I have retained and gained friends worth a billion times more” but I just wish you were all a bit more wrinkly and not so jaunty (get in the sun girls quick so we can be twins. Go on I’ll time you!)

5. Why am I getting poorer?
Why do I have less money now than I did a decade ago – everything is allocated. Even if there is anything spare they go into “pots” called the holiday fund or the “will we ever get a feckin kitchen extension” account. Every time you buy shoes you guiltily think this could go towards a day out with the children (just before you think blow that and buy them anyway).

6. What’s going on with the growing population of slugs?
I can’t stop worrying about random crap. It is like my brain has woken up to the fact that yes the world can be one huge, dark and scary place but feck it I am going to worry about important stuff like slugs (is it just me but is there an alarming amount of slug slime on the streets today; are they going to take over the world). Yes there is widespread poverty and war, but I’m going to ponder on what will happen if I call the Street Cars number in Coronation Street (I may have done this) or I am going to lie awake in the night fretting about whether I have missed the start of the new series of Scandal (have I, have I?).

7. Did I get any wiser?
Unless discovering that you do actually have to sand the paintwork before glossing it (I thought that was an urban legend) and even “outdoor” plants need water (who knew) I don’t think I have any wisdom to impart. Well maybe just this: never eat yellow snow.

Gabe says: “Do you want to know something hilarious?
I told mum she only looked 26!” Sucker!
Forty is the old age of youth; fifty the youth of old age.

34 Comments on How to feel like an old hag

  1. 8f92ab1e-380a-11e4-98cb-ebc3b615a63d
    September 9, 2014 at 10:17 am (8 years ago)

    Hi Alison

    This did make me laugh, especially the coronation street streetcars as I have thought this many times…..Cheers to us soon to be reaching 40 ………Happy Birthday for next month xxx :)

  2. Jess Paterson
    September 9, 2014 at 11:07 am (8 years ago)

    Oh my God, this is hilarious, Alison! I loved it so much I feel suddenly hysterical that I took a break and have missed out on some Bloomer classics – except you said you didn't write much either (you SAID!). Just everything is so true. I'm meant to be organising a night out for us nearly 40-year olds and now I'm worried my fantasy of a club night where we won't stick out AT ALL is obviously completely fantastical…arse! LOVE it. Yay! xxx PS NOOOO WAY do you look like you're knocking on 40's door. I think she'll answer and go, nope, sorry, you are too youthful looking and dancing too groovily, begone. xxx

  3. Emma Martin
    September 9, 2014 at 2:51 pm (8 years ago)

    Oh Ali! First of all you look AMAZING!! I thought you were younger than me! And now I shall weep at my wrinkles and hag-ish ways all the more (i'm never going in the sun again!) Secondly, i just love this. You always really make me smile&i so wish we lived closer so we could go for a cuppa (and chats about things that almost 40's chat about) Hilarious as always lovely, lovely lady xx

  4. Mardy Kerrie
    September 9, 2014 at 5:40 pm (8 years ago)

    This is a brilliant post Alison, totally get all of these. You look fabulous by the way, have a great birthday and here is to the 'naughty forties' eh – make sure you tell us all the naughtiness you can get up to… :) xxx

  5. Nicola Young
    September 10, 2014 at 9:18 am (8 years ago)

    I love this. I'm laughing, but it is because I am nodding along. I will be following you in to the next decade next year and I am not going gracefully. I don't know about dancing in nightclubs though – I'm planning a trip to Disney World (going completely the other way!).

  6. Alison Bloomer
    September 10, 2014 at 9:46 am (8 years ago)

    Hello 8f92ab1e-380a-11e4-98cb-ebc3b615a63d
    how are you? Cheers hun – 40 year olds are rock stars – yeah? Hell yeah x

  7. Alison Bloomer
    September 10, 2014 at 9:47 am (8 years ago)

    Yeah I wish – have you seen me dance. I am Auntie Kn*bhead at its best. Awh missed you too lovely lady xx

  8. Alison Bloomer
    September 10, 2014 at 9:48 am (8 years ago)

    Emma – I shall pay you later my friend ha. I wish we lived closer too :) xx

  9. Alison Bloomer
    September 10, 2014 at 9:48 am (8 years ago)

    I really really hope its a little naughty haha xx

  10. Alison Bloomer
    September 10, 2014 at 9:49 am (8 years ago)

    Disney World sounds epic. Much better than a damp smelly nightclub where your shoes hurt ha xx

  11. mel @mydaysni
    September 10, 2014 at 9:57 am (8 years ago)

    I might have found this funny, only I am closer to thirty than forty, so actually it has just made me afraid. I already feel like you describe… I am so doomed for the future! I want to be 28! 28 was good! Why can't I just stay there! Happy Birthday though.. you are doing fab! #sharewithme

  12. liquoriceuk
    September 10, 2014 at 10:45 am (8 years ago)

    Brilliant post! I've just hit mid thirties now and already know what you mean about the younger mates – my Facebook feed is full of people moaning about turning 30 – I think I'd quite like to be 30 again. I have to agree with the other comments though – you don't look like you are about to hit 40, so definitely still holding on to that youthful glamour. Hope you have a great birthday next month :-)

  13. 25castleson25clouds
    September 10, 2014 at 12:37 pm (8 years ago)

    Brilliant, um tell you what I will be lovely and not make the comment that I have made to a couple of my close mates who have recently hit the big 40! But I will tell you that age really does mean nothing and you look fantastic!!

  14. Jo Nicholson
    September 10, 2014 at 10:15 pm (8 years ago)

    Fab post! At the moment I'm the "baby" of my group of friends being a mere 34 but it is depressing that my next big birthday is 40. You look great for an almost 40 year old by the way 😉 xx

  15. SarahMummy
    September 11, 2014 at 8:16 am (8 years ago)

    Love this! I hit the big 4-0 nearly a year ago, so will be 41 in a few days. I've LOVED being 40 – it feels like a milestone and you can say 'I'm 40' like it's something cool and OBVIOUSLY people are looking at you going 'No way? Really? But you're so young and cool looking'. Being 41 will be just a load of nothing. It's over 40.

  16. Joanne Mallon
    September 11, 2014 at 8:50 am (8 years ago)

    Don't worry about your forties at all, they're fine. There's a lot to be said for having finished having your family and enjoying the fact that your children are getting older and more independent. My oldest is now old enough to babysit, which has been a REVELATION in terms of reactivating our social life. When I was turning 40 I was a bit depressed about the fact that I'd never had books published like I thought I would. Fast forward a few years and I've had two published and am nearly finished the third. Sometimes life just moves at its own pace.

  17. Judith Hurrell
    September 11, 2014 at 10:23 am (8 years ago)

    Ha! This is awesome! It's only a few years till I'll be joining you, though secretly I think I was born 40. I've always liked pubs with chairs more than noisy night clubs… So glad to hear I'm not the only one whose only just admitted you probably should sand before you paint and outside plants need water too. Yawn. You're looking lush though my friend, so enter your 40s with pride and fly the flag for those of us hot on your heels. (Or sensible Flats.) xxx

  18. Steph Douglas
    September 11, 2014 at 1:50 pm (8 years ago)

    Fab post – this really tickled me, especially the feeling pleased with yourselves for taking your own tissues! Brilliant – and see you soooon. x

  19. brummymummyof2
    September 12, 2014 at 8:02 pm (8 years ago)

    The snail bit made me HOWL bab!!!! You look 21 and tomorrow we shall drown you in gin and it will be ace. I'm not far off myself bab. We shall celebrate in style!!!!! xxxx

  20. Jenny Ripatti-Taylor
    September 13, 2014 at 7:55 pm (8 years ago)

    Fab post hun! No way are you going to be forty. You are such a yummy mummy! Good for you girl! I love this post. Thanks for linking up to Share With Me #sharewithme

  21. Wally Mummy
    September 13, 2014 at 9:22 pm (8 years ago)

    pahahaha – love this 😉 40 IS the new 30 anyway isn't it…?! And you are so far from an old hag it's untrue you mentalist! lol x Celebrate in style and totally humiliate yourself won't you… I wanna see photos 😉 #thatswhatIddo :))) x

  22. Hurrah For Gin
    September 14, 2014 at 8:31 pm (8 years ago)

    Ha ha love this Alison! It's only in the last year or two i have finally accepted defeat and now realise I am actually old.
    The funniest bit for me was the slugs as we are currently fighting a war against them, they get under our back door and slime everywhere! Last weekend we bought copper tape as apparently that feels horrible when the crawl over it but it still doesn't work!!!

  23. Alison Bloomer
    September 16, 2014 at 9:36 am (8 years ago)

    I wanna be 28 too *sobs* haha

  24. Alison Bloomer
    September 16, 2014 at 9:36 am (8 years ago)

    Thanks hun. There are too many younger people in the world. Fact. They need to go in the bin x

  25. Alison Bloomer
    September 16, 2014 at 9:37 am (8 years ago)

    Awh thank you – I dying to know your comment now haha x

  26. Alison Bloomer
    September 16, 2014 at 9:37 am (8 years ago)

    I need to find loads of 50 year old mates so I can be the baby of the group too – that's an ace plan x

  27. Alison Bloomer
    September 16, 2014 at 9:38 am (8 years ago)

    My friend said that about 41 – hope its true xx

  28. Alison Bloomer
    September 16, 2014 at 9:39 am (8 years ago)

    Wow Joanne – that is good news. Well done on the books (and the in-house babysitter) xx

  29. Alison Bloomer
    September 16, 2014 at 9:39 am (8 years ago)

    Thanks Judith. Pubs with chairs are my fav!

  30. Alison Bloomer
    September 16, 2014 at 9:39 am (8 years ago)

    Lovely to see you last week and I had tissues haha x

  31. Alison Bloomer
    September 16, 2014 at 9:40 am (8 years ago)

    Your are ages off you liar. It was lovely catching up and my age showed with my epic hangover xx

  32. Alison Bloomer
    September 16, 2014 at 9:41 am (8 years ago)

    I will try my best just for you haha xx

  33. Alison Bloomer
    September 16, 2014 at 9:42 am (8 years ago)

    They are taking over the world. I feffing hate slugs xx I think they move in of a night and drink our beer and watch late night snooker. Knobs x


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