Kids, things that are just not on

Dear children,

I once had to write Daddy a letter to remind him of the rules, which he was flouting far too frequently for my liking. It is with sad regret that I now feel that I have no choice but to also remind you three of your contractual obligations as well. When I signed up to be your parent I did so with certain caveats. A simple ruling system was set up to be adhered to at all times. Lack of understanding and generally being small children are not deemed to be suitable reasons for non adherence.

As previously stated:

  • These rules are communicated telepathically.
  • They are also subject to change at any given whim.
  • The list will be ever growing and infinite.
  • They can be made up on the spot.

Given the seriousness of the breaches I have again no choice but to formally stipulate in writing the terms of our alliance. Further violations will result in withholding of Peppa Pig and muttering of swear words under the breath.

I have decided to devise a list of things that one or the other of you (or all three at the same time) have done recently clearly taking advantage of me being distracted by Facebook my chilled out parenting approach.

Things that are just not on

  • Crying in the middle of the night just as I enter a lovely dream involving Bradley Cooper and a converted loft (don’t ask – it made beautiful sense at the time).
  • Refusing to settle in your own bed and then finally nodding off in a diagonal fashion in my comfy setting giving Mummy a generous 3cm to slumber in.
  • Doing a sneaky 4am poo (to add insult to injury) so my newly laundered bed sheets smell like a sewage plant on a sweaty day.
  • After all those shenanigans, deciding to renege on your role as a human wake up call and arising one hour after the time we need to get up resulting in crazy morning chaos.
  • Yelling mummy at the top of your lungs from the other side of the house 106 times. Then when I get there asking me something ‘urgent’ like how do the telephone wires work.
  • Asking me, in fact, loads of questions I just don’t know the answer to. Honestly I really don’t know how words go down the telephone line or how mobile phones work (mind is blown thinking about it).
Mummy, mummy, mummy, MUMMY.
How does petrol make a car go?
Man alive – who cares!
  • Taking 40 minutes to eat one Weetabix and three seconds to demolish Star Bursts (before I can steal one).
  • Peeing all over the toilet seat (especially just before Granny arrives).
  • Telling your teacher that mummy always cooks beans on toast for tea. It is just every now and again (ssh).
  • Coming with me to a posh shoe shop where I already feel like a scruff and shouting loudly that your bum is itchy.
  • Picking your nose and eating it as I stand chatting to that cool mum at the school gates.
  • Hiding pasta down the back of the radiator so you don’t have to eat it (it will stay there until mummy can be bothered to scrap it off the wall as a reminder of your misdemeanour.
  • Being a general fussy gang of picky eaters. I’ll have you know my sausage casserole is yum. And no the sausages don’t need to be brown (I think!)
  • Asking mummy if there is a baby in her belly as she is about to go out with the girls (and thinks she looks foxy).
  • Doing a plank impression when you need to go in the car seat/pram.
  • Asking to put ‘our programmes’ on as soon as I sit down with a brew and Revenge thinking you are all busy doing various mischief somewhere.
  • Needing the toilet as soon as my food arrives in a restaurant.
Is that meal that has just arrived lovely? Good. 
Can you take me the toilet now.
  • Wanting to play with playdough (it ain’t happening here).
  • Pretending every single day (after day) that you have brushed your teeth and me every single day (after day) having to go check that your tooth brush is wet (and nice try running it under the tap – I am now on to that. All the effort it would be quicker to actually brush said teeth).
We have brushed our teeth. Honest we have.
  • Saying any of the following more than once a day: “can I have a snack?” “Do I have to?” “I’m bored.” “What are we doing next?”  “Just what is in your tummy mummy?”
  • Mimicking mummy’s voice is just not on. Ever. The end. No don’t repeat “ever, the end” like that. Oh I give up.

Please refer to appendix 1-4356 for further sub-clauses of these rules.

Thank you

Your ever-loving Mummy

And then the fun began...

14 Comments on Kids, things that are just not on

  1. Eco Gites of Lénault
    January 20, 2015 at 1:34 pm (7 years ago)

    And the list does not get any shorter as they grow older, it just morphs into another even longer list!

    Reply
  2. Jenny Evans
    January 20, 2015 at 1:36 pm (7 years ago)

    This is hilarious! Followed you here from #thetruthabout linkup. Thoroughly enjoying your blog. I wonder if a contract would work with my 5 children?

    Reply
  3. Suzanne W
    January 20, 2015 at 2:21 pm (7 years ago)

    But you wouldn't have it any other way, right?! Brilliant. I remember every single one of those. Reckon you'll need to update it with a few more in about 5 years time 😉 x

    Reply
  4. Mardy Kerrie
    January 20, 2015 at 9:31 pm (7 years ago)

    Ha ha great. I am sure that if I write a list it will go on and on and on especially for the tween – who is absolute HORROR at the minute!! I'm sure you love yours the same as I love mine, despite all their rubbish behaviour at times!! :)

    Reply
  5. Mel @mydaysni
    January 21, 2015 at 9:58 am (7 years ago)

    Ohh, I can think of so many things that are just not on in my house! Quite a few similar to yours in fact! I think I cope pretty well, but the waking me up when I'm sleeping and being asked the same question repeatedly does grind on me arghh! Great post #sharewithme

    Reply
  6. Sian PottyMouthedMummy
    January 21, 2015 at 10:16 am (7 years ago)

    Well this was the most perfect pick me up I needed this morning, fab post lovely. Made me chuckle muchly xx

    Reply
  7. Wry Mummy
    January 21, 2015 at 12:13 pm (7 years ago)

    Shouting my bum is itchy in a posh shoe shop – ha ha! I can't believe your children's flagrant flouting of the rules. My children are excellent at reading my mind and adhering to my commands – of course… I have taken to smelling their mouth if they say they have done their teeth. Usually they duck away smirking and go upstairs and really do their teeth. Hilarious post as always, Ali. xx

    Reply
  8. Steph Douglas
    January 21, 2015 at 12:32 pm (7 years ago)

    Brilliant – I laughed out loud at itchy bum. Buster is just 4 and I think the shouting stuff in public is going to get a whole lot worse… I hope they all sign up. X

    Reply
  9. Jenny Ripatti-Taylor
    January 21, 2015 at 8:28 pm (7 years ago)

    Hahha I love this and oh my goodness it sounds like a page from my life right now. lol I had to even read it twice if you would believe. Just brilliant. Thank you ever so much for linking up and I hope you enjoy Share WIth Me and to see you again soon because I love the way you write. #SHAREWITHME

    Reply
  10. Samantha P
    January 21, 2015 at 8:52 pm (7 years ago)

    Great list/contract Alison! Why do they *always* need the loo (generally a poo) just when your food arrives in a restaurant??? It's like they've had some sort of training in the womb or something. Tut. :-) Thanks so much for joining up with #thetruthabout X

    Reply
  11. Emma Martin
    January 21, 2015 at 9:03 pm (7 years ago)

    The food thing!! I don't think I've eaten hot food in the last 9 years Ali. If it's not having to cut up somebody's sausages, it's another one needing the loo! And they're onto the toothbrush trick round here too, sneaky ratbags! :) You have just pretty much described my life lovely lady! Brilliant post xxx

    Reply
  12. pixiedusk
    January 22, 2015 at 2:06 pm (7 years ago)

    Its nice to know that I am not the only one whos got the smallest space to sleep in! I am so amaze too that your kids sounds a lot like mine =P

    #sharewithme

    Reply
  13. Judith Hurrell
    January 23, 2015 at 1:47 pm (7 years ago)

    Itchy bums, snack demands and interrupted Bradley-Cooper-in-a-converted-loft dreams. This is the tragic truth of our lives, my lovely. Fab post! #thetruthabout

    Reply
  14. Louise
    January 24, 2015 at 8:14 pm (7 years ago)

    Brilliant! Love this – can relate to so many of these. Very funny post, your list made me chuckle :-)

    Reply

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