An excerpt from the early memoirs of Prime Minister Gabe, leader of the free world. Then aged 2 and a half (despite dining frequently in 10 star Michelin restaurants, he does like a banana and vanilla neocate shake before bed).
Woo hoo! It is my big bruv’s birthday today. He is seven years old. How cool is that? We have had the bestest day. Not as bestest as when I go to Nanny’s house and roll around on her floor which is wood but springy (mummy says this is because lazy uncle M couldn’t be bothered taking up the carpet and laid the shiny floor on top). I don’t care as I do cool triple rolls without getting an ow in my bum.
Everyone has been talking about my big brother’s party for ages and ages and mummy has been doing lots of scribble on paper. Daddy is not a fan of mummy’s scribbles as his name is all over them. He was really funny the other day when mummy said she wanted him to paint the hall, bathroom and outside of the house, ring a plasrasterer for the roof in the kitchen and also make a new driveway. Daddy said no and mummy gave her stern face. Daddy then pulled tongues and wiggled his fingers at mummy after she left the room. I love my daddy. He is so funny and he cracks me up.
There was also a lot of talk of the people coming. I don’t think I like it when the people are coming as this makes mummy go all funny and not let my big brother get his Lego out and no one can eat crisps on the couch.
Daddy had to cut the garden as the people are coming; Big brother had to put away his playmobil hospital (which is ace!) as the people are coming and big sister was not allowed to play shop as the people were coming. Daddy says the people are the same people that come all the time when the house is messy and the hall is the wrong shade of cream. But mummy says it is a party and that changes everything.
Nanny couldn’t come as she said she could not leave the moths. Mummy and Daddy giggled a lot about this.I thought these were some more cousins but big brother said they were big flies that got in the spare room when daddy left the window open all night the last time we stayed. Big brother says she sucks them up every day with the big sucky machine to scare them off like the gang from scooby doo. Wow, hope they don’t all go before I visit again as I can’t wait to see the big flies that nanny looks after.
Mummy was so busy that she forgot about my exercises which was fabtastic. And she gave up really easily when she tried to feed me my mush. Normally I have to spend ages in my chair shaking my head and throwing the spoon away. I. DO. NOT. LIKE. MUSH. Maybe if it was herb crusted rack of lamb with grilled vegetables or scallops with confit potatoes and a ginger and thyme velouté then I might be interested but mummy, porridge, cream and sweet potato is just yak, yuk and bleurgh. I do not want it even if you sing and pull funny faces (though I do like your dying fly dance).
Big brother woke up really early on his birthday but was sent back to bed a lot. I know this as I could hear him singing happy birthday to himself when I opened my eyes. I need to teach him my tricks for getting mummy and daddy up. He either needs to do a poo in his pants or scream really loudly and as high as he can get his voice to go. I did both so we both got into the big bed. He is my homey. I’ve got his back. He can pay me back later and give me half an hour on the floor playing shake your legs until your socks fall off. Such a cool game.
We had a big squishy thing in the garden that was brill especially when someone bounced me really high. Mummy did not like it when big brother kept throwing me in the middle but I thought it was amazo. I felt like I was flying like the birds. Daddy kept letting the air out and then pressing the button to make it go big again – with loads of kids on it. Everyone was laughing except mummy who kept shouting about health and safety and children on bouncy castle roofs and getting flung into neighbours’ gardens. Daddy gave mummy a big glass of the perfumed drink and a plate of sausage rolls and she didn’t mind so much then.
I loved my big brother’s party. It was the bestest as it was full of smiley people who kept picking me up and tickling me or spinning me around in my walker. They kept clapping when I waved and said bye. I was like a big famous person – like I was off Cbeebies or something.
The house looked rubbish though (apart from the cool balloons) as all the toys were put in mummy and daddy’s room with all my exercise stuff and everyone was told by mummy in her stern voice not to open the door to that room. EVER. NO MATTER WHAT. NEVER EVER. I guess mummy and daddy are sleeping in my cot tonight. I don’t think mummy wanted the people to come in the end as when the doorbell went she said that the house would never be that tidy again. I love my mummy. She is is very funny.
Big brother got loads of cool toys and a big grown up piano (although it is not as good as mine as it doesn’t play Mozart) and everyone was tired by the time all the people went. I had a little snooze on my lovely auntie. I didn’t know you got sick after parties though – that is a bit rubbish. I know a lot about sick cause my favourite programme is Get Well Soon on Cbeebies (Dr Ranj rocks and rocks some more!) and I go and play in hospitals a lot.
My big sister felt sick from bouncing, big brother felt sick from seven fruit shoots (mummy was mad). Daddy said he was sick of doing dishes and mummy said she would be sick if she ate another cheesy wotsit. In fact mummy and daddy played hide and seek with the cheesy wotsits. Mummy ate some and told Daddy to hide them, then daddy ate some and told mummy to hide them. This went on for ages until mummy poured the perfumed drink on them. They crack me up my mummy and daddy.
Everyone says it is my birthday next and I’ll be three. Yayo! I love the balloons and toys and squishy bouncy thing, but I hope they don’t make those horrible bread sandwiches for my party. I actually hear that Nobu does a lovely sushi take away service and that their black cod is sublime. Fuggery foo, I’ve got a feeling orange mush will be on the menu for me though.
|Gabe says: “Happy birthday big brother. Pssst….don’t drink the perfume drink, it’s the wrong vintage.
Stick to fruit shoots.”