Life can be hard. We all know that. Show me a charmed life and I can pick more holes in it than my husband’s sock drawer. Even Beyonce has to go the gym (and never has chips!). Life can knock you down so many times you wonder if you can get back up. And just when you think the fecker has done its worse, it can pull the rug from under you one more time. For fun!
Life, in short, is a cruel merciless joker. With the joke on you.
Yet, I am learning how to handle this big fat comedian. He has thrown his fair share of bad luck my way and I’m sure I am on his list aplenty in the years to come. But like any contrary Mary – I think he quite likes me as I get great big dollops of good stuff too. I’d like to say I can’t complain (but I can and no doubt will).
But listen to me Life, you old git, I have a plan. I’m building a list of my favourite things and every time you decide it is my turn to be toyed with I’m consulting my directory. And like choosing the most appropriate footwear for the day (out of my three pairs; alas I am not Beyonce!) I will select my very own pick-me-up from my own pick and mix. If it is good enough for that shower from the Sound of Music, it is good enough for me. But you can keep the raindrops on all the roses thank you very much.
Here it is. My list of favourite things:
- My children. Three fabby, loopy, fire in their belly children. A snuggle and a cuddle from them will always make things right. Gabe has just learnt how you do an “ahh” and will lay his little head on my shoulder on request. He hasn’t quite mastered the finer details of the sentiment as he will follow it up with a whack in the face and cheeky grin.
- The husband – he’s a dude. Would be promoted to “cool dude” status if he stopped balling his socks before putting them in the washing basket (why create me more work?!) and hadn’t banned Gossip Girl, 90210, Grey’s Anatomy, Revenge, Nashville et al from our TV box.
- Friends – I’m in my late thirties so natural selection has already occurred. My mates are great. Just one grumble mind; they are spread out across the country from my gypsy-like days of living in Liverpool, Leeds and London (I obviously like cities beginning with L).
- Gossip Girl, 90210, Grey’s Anatomy, Revenge, Nashville et al – watched in peace when dude (who is not yet cool) is at football. How can you remain glum when there are hours of crap TV to be immersed in.
- A hot bath in peace. Last two words are very important. Little boys standing over you asking questions about boobies and front bums does not make for a relaxing soak! Even when they are being cute and doing Father Christmas impressions with my Jo Malone bubbles.
- Cold beer (especially when cheekily opened on a Friday at tea time before kids are in bed – a throw back to end-of-week work drinks). Bliss!
- Nice grub – chicken fried rice, chips and curry from the Chinese if you please. I’m from the north – I like what I know and I know what I like! (please don’t ask me to share dishes – I don’t want your prawn bourguignon or stewed wasabi and you can’t have any of my tub of curry as I will eat it all myself).
- Pretending I’m getting fit. The saintly feeling of doing my bi-monthly visit to the gym.
- Falling off the wagon and being naughty. Everyone should say yes to a full fat latte and millionaire shortbread every now and again.
- Clean sheets on the bed.
- Staying in. Not having to worry that my belly is sometimes bigger than my boobs as it is hidden under my tartan PJ bottoms and husband’s hoody.
- Going out and getting dressed up. When you can be bothered and the occasion is right, getting dolled up is brilliant fun. Forget the 18 discarded outfits, the screaming at the kids who have ran away with your three pairs of shoes, the tippex like quality of your nails as you keep having to top up the smudged corners (show me a woman with a spare half an hour to let them dry and I’ll show you one with a nanny). [Top tip: have a glass of wine and only do one quick glance in the full length mirror. You will think you are Holly Willybooby all night then and keep your eyes closed when going the loo so you don’t shatter the illusion. Who cares if people think you are nuts; you look like a prime time TV star! (in your head).]
- Toast with a cup of tea.
- Giggling and gossipping on facebook (especially when caught by husband who thinks facebook is devil’s work). It is like sneaking one of your nan’s fags at 14 all over again.
- Picnics in sunny parks (with no goose poo!).
- Roast dinners cooked (and washed up by) someone else.
- Family events with my big noisy sarcastic family. My big brother still calls me “skin you alive and put you in a bath of salt” or “skin” for short. I know. Don’t ask. He thinks it is doubly funny that I am now the opposite of that once thin child. Maybe he should friend request Life and they can be funny comedians together.
- Bouncing on the trampoline with the children (not after a cup of tea though).
- The night before holidays. When everything is ready and before the madness begins.
I could go on (and on and on!) but I am just having homemade shortbread and a cup of tea while watching Nashville on repeat TV. My bath is running in preparation for a fab night out with friends at the local Chinese. See life is sweet when handled well. No need for grumbling and groaning. Oh okay, I’m a big fat liar, I’m actually unballing my husband’s smelly, holey socks to put a wash on before hoovering play dough from my curtains and seeing if a tin of beans, peas and two eggs will make a meal for five as I can’t be fugged to walk to the shop. The car has broken down, my favourite jeans have ripped at the bum (do not tell my brother and give him more material) and next door’s cat has been sick in my porch. Oh and my best friend is in a sulk with me – something about knocking her over twice whilst walking into the toilets with my eyes closed last Saturday night.
Life is a having another laugh and actually I do wish I was blinkin Beyonce.
|Gabe says: “Do you want an ahh or a bunch of fives?”|