Forget your 5* spa resort in outer Mongolia or your luxury canoeing trip around the Everglades. Put down the brochure for skiing beside volcanic vents in Russia or ice climbing in the Andes. If you are looking for an edgy, exhilarating experience where you might not leave with your life or sanity intact come and spend a weekend at the Sleep Deprivation Roadhouse, where the all-night fun never ends.
Thrills and spills are guaranteed at the Does not even Doze Destination and one can achieve a mind-altering state, delirium, and hysterical behaviour without having to resort to illegal drugs.
You also get to watch the sun rise on frosty rooftops at Slumber is for Stinkers Hideaway while the rest of the world dreams, feel at one with nature and acknowledge the vastness of the universe (with you a mere flea within its immense size).
And how, you may ask, do you gain entry into this fascinating, alluring world? Surely such a marvellous place comes at a premium price.
Well yes I am afraid it does. But put away your credit card and your guide books. Where we’re going neither are acknowledged. You just need some grit, stamina and a bloody good sense of humour.
We’ve all been there. Had the morning after that night before where your eye sockets won’t budge until you have snorted caffeine through the nose. You don’t even mind if it was by choice but no, most of these all-night parties are often hosted by little people known locally as sleep-sucking snot heads (or even more sweary types of heads depending on how sleep deprived they have left you).
Gabriel has deemed sleep to be for losers of late. Or certainly sleep past 1.30am is for weaker sub-species. This isn’t just a blip. It has been a full on, take no prisoners, repose robbing months of lack of sack time. I have given up thinking he will actually sleep through and now wonder whether I’ll flick through Facebook or brave the cold and watch The Valleys with him at 2am (maybe that’s why he is waking!?). So a couple of hours of sleep with intermittent chunks of napping is the nightly plan. And I by no means think we’re alone in this snooze starvation.
You can spot the sleep denied parents a mile off. Want to see one? Just have a peek in that mirror over there.
If you saw a smooth-faced, smiling person with glowing skin then sleep is probably still your friend. And I might have to spell out exactly what it feels like to live in this woozy, bleary-eyed, mind fug of an existence.
1. You become a cantankerous, twisted old witch
And you get to be like this without any wrinkles or incontinence (actually that bit is a fib). Even your favourite person in the whole world can drive you to distraction if you are functioning without some level of shut-eye. That bright, cheery lolly pop lady might get a muttered curse under the breath as she calls out hello on the school run. Friends quake and swiftly step out of your way as they see your moody mask from miles away. The husband is a fool if he dares (DARES!) to attempt to joke you out of your bad humour. “Has someone got out the wrong side of the bed this morning and needs a little more sleep?” will be met swiftly by “Has someone got a fork sticking out the side of their head and needs a little medical attention?”
2. You forget everything you need to remember all day
Then remember everything you want to forget all night. Your memory banks shut up shop and move to Spain during any rest strike your children hold leaving the dodgy skeleton crew. That niggling, arm tugging feeling lasts all day. Just what am I supposed to be remembering to do? What is it I shouldn’t forget? What information did I promise myself to retain? It is usually nothing important just silly stuff like turning off the gas after simmering your super noodles or picking your mum up from the station.
Of course, come the middle of the night when you are trying to drown out wailing Gabes with Mozart mobiles, it all comes flooding back to you. And suddenly forgetting to put the wet washing in the dryer, not replying to another kid’s party invitation and neglecting the plants become REALLY IMPORTANT. You also seem to remember every scene from every horror film when you need to go downstairs to get another bottle, Capol, wipes etc. That witch from The Conjuring will be sitting in the kitchen having a fag, you just know it.
3. You become a bit stupid
Except at work – obviously you are still a superstar in the office (hello boss, how are ya?). Books are things that gather dust on your bedside table and any TV programme that doesn’t include Joey Essex or Lucy Watson is just too complex. You need a PhD and four hours just to watch Sherlock as you need to rewind certain bits (well all bits) whilst simultaneously shouting to snoozing spouses “What did he just say?”
4. You become a big fat pig
If you are not letting your brain have a breather, its going to insist that you feed it cake all day. Cake, then chocolate, some coffee, a bit more cake and six bags of crisps. When you have finished can you waddle to the shop for a Warburton’s toastie loaf and three pot noodles (forgetting all the rest of your shopping in the process).
5. A misplaced sniff or a cough can lead to divorce
Everyone knows that when you go upstairs post children’s bedtime you need to creep or sneak. No mobile phones allowed (unless on silence). Doors need to be shut when you brush your teeth. If you need to speak, then it is a whisper or better still sign language. Bad things happen if these rules are broken. Terrible things like children waking up before you have even managed a small lie down in your bed. So imagine it would only be a completely thick-witted, insane person who would do imbecilic things like blow their noses, cough or even *gasp* whistle when on the upper deck. I just wouldn’t know anyone at like that. No, no one. I don’t know any moronic, tom fool, absurd, careless people like that!!!
Which leads me nicely on to the last point.
6. You become a cantankerous, twisted old witch
Erm.. this sounds quite familiar. This point is ringing some bells.
7. You forget everything you need to remember all day
Did I just say the last point was my last?
8. You repeat yourself a lot
Where are we up to now? I’ve lost my train of thought…
9. You become a bit stupid
Blow this, I’m off to find some more cake.
|Gabe says: “Sleeping in cots at night is just plain wrong. Wake me up for The Valleys.”|
Source: funny pictures courtesy of https://www.facebook.com/themothersroom