The tale of the mad woman and the slaughtered phone

Once upon a time, there lived a beautiful princess called Alison.
*yeah alright you are going to have to use your imagination for this one – Jeez*

Like all ladies of her time she had an olde worlde device called a mobile phone. She loved this mobile phone as she used it to chat to all manner of friends (some she had never met and were probably just stalkers taken with her youthful beauty).

It was forever close to her and in random poppets of time she would access the world inside her phone for a few minutes here and there:

  • Waiting for the kettle to boil she would send a message on What’s App
  • Running late for school she would stop mid frazzlement and make her children pose by an interesting leaf for Instagram #interestingleaf #posingchildren #iamredinfacefromrunningtomakebell #shouldgetupearlier #butIlookperfectonInstagram
  • Cooking up a mean stir fry, she would boast about her cooking endeavours on Twitter
  • When tidying up the sloppy mess of mushy vegetables and chewy chicken that no one ate, she would hunt down new recipes she’d never make on Pinterest
  • Skiving from the bath-time madness in the pretence of fetching a towel from the dryer, she would catch up on the vital 20 minutes she had missed on Facebook
  • And finally when all her children were slumbering in their beds, she would start boring everyone on her random musings on blogger – her mum and her sister were apparently fans (or so they said when pissed pressed!)

Like every beautiful princess, there was a mean baddie out to steal her fun. In this particular tale it was a little boy called Gabriel.

The scary baddie

Gabriel would steal her phone at every opportunity and when he was bored of phoning all her friends and leaving heavy breathing messages and tweeting out pictures that looked like blurry bums (but were just interesting leaves) he would throw the phone and giggle as it smashed (mwahahahaahhaha).

The princess would be distraught as it would take at least three minutes for the scattered battery to load back up. Slowly, over time though the battered phone started to take longer to load back up, and its features became frailer and less effective. It was clear that it was ill, perhaps even dying.

First it stopped accessing What’s App (it’s too big for me now it said), then it would only load the first 20 tweets on Twitter (soz it sobbed) and recently it would flash error messages on Facebook (I feel so bad but it’s all too much, it wheezed). The end was nigh though when its volume control went and the beautiful princess would have to do a Dom Jolly impression – WHAT. I CAN’T HEAR YOU!? if someone rang on the street and a car passed.

It was becoming more of an ornament than a mode of communication.

She knew it was time to replace her faithful old friend but with a big birthday looming she held off on getting a new one in case any of her rich princess friends brought her the latest iPhone 6 (this is a fairy tale after all).

With no phone to play with in those spare moments in the day, the princess had to find other things to keep her busy. It was a strange old time. She found herself doing weird random things:

  • She started to get obsessed by storage and kept buying all manner of plastic boxes and Aldi ottomans
  • She started getting house envy from buying posh interiors magazines and would bulk order from Next Home
  • She would then spend the rest of the week arranging couriers to send items of furniture back (there was no room with the plastic boxes)
  • She painted the kitchen door – badly as she couldn’t be bothered to sand it down so it had a snazzy marble effect
  • She organised the children’s underwear drawers
  • She went to all five supermarkets in her area looking for bargains – and saved £2.33 (but spent £30.55 on posh magazines)
  • She managed to actually clean the bathroom a couple of times a week. She even scrubbed the grouting in the tiles.

The moral of the tale:

Life with no mobile phone is terribly dull and boring; having a clean bathroom and painted kitchen door is not the road to happiness; supermarket shopping makes you crave wine and there are no hottie courier men (only pissed off ones who are sick of coming to your house).

P.s. Houses look well crap with loads of plastic boxes everywhere. Timeless fact.


14 Comments on The tale of the mad woman and the slaughtered phone

  1. Wally Mummy
    October 17, 2014 at 6:27 pm (8 years ago)

    Pahaha – so you're saying without being glued to twitter you actually get shit done…?! No. Sorry. Can't see how that works… lol x (I totally skive off from bath time to check fb too… I reckon it's because you can sense wine time is coming! woohoo!) xxx

  2. Emma Martin
    October 18, 2014 at 9:15 am (8 years ago)

    Oh Ali, hilarious!! How true this all is – i'm totally at the mercy of my phone. My 3 instantly pose now when i whip it out&it's made me realise that I'm maybe a bit OTT when it comes to the old Social Media! I'm trying to wean a bit.
    We'll see how that goes!
    Loved this lovely xx

  3. Hurrah For Gin
    October 19, 2014 at 8:45 pm (8 years ago)

    Ha ha love this Alison!!! So funny and try :) I love my phone, and for the same reason hat it because it's addictive. I am so glad that this tale didn't end with a 'going without social media made me realise what a waste of time it all is…' bla bla bla. Don't feel quite so bad now! x

  4. Alison Bloomer
    October 20, 2014 at 9:03 am (8 years ago)

    Ha – no chance. I have no idea what to do with myself at the moment xx

  5. Alison Bloomer
    October 20, 2014 at 9:04 am (8 years ago)

    I can totally sense wine time – it is my special talent 😉 xx

  6. Alison Bloomer
    October 20, 2014 at 9:04 am (8 years ago)

    Nah – it is good for the soul. No one wants to cleaning grouting if they can help it x

  7. Californian Mum in London
    October 22, 2014 at 1:25 pm (8 years ago)

    Hahah hilarious, a fairytale that offers a warning to us all. Never let your kids break your mobile. No mobile=insanity. :) xx

  8. Izzie Anderton
    October 22, 2014 at 2:07 pm (8 years ago)

    Hilarious post… but I'm still not tempted to ever actually buy one! Here's hoping you get a new one very soon x

  9. Sian PottyMouthedMummy
    October 22, 2014 at 7:10 pm (8 years ago)

    Ha ha ha oh Alison, I love this. I am addicted to my phone and cannot imagine a world without it!! I might have to clean!! xx

  10. Sam @ And then the fun began
    October 22, 2014 at 8:32 pm (8 years ago)

    Since I got an iPhone? Yep, it's pretty much taken over my life. I'd be flippin' lost without it too. In fact I'm surprised I haven't received some kind of warning at work for constant phone checking. Whoops. :-) #sharewithme

  11. Jenny Ripatti-Taylor
    October 22, 2014 at 9:14 pm (8 years ago)

    hahah You really always having me laughing Alison. I love it. I do have to admit I have my phone attached to me. Gotta get work done and take care of the house and kids. Its' a multitasking world isn't it? Or is this just me? hahaha Great post. Thank you so much for linking up to Share With Me #sharewithme

  12. Wry Mummy
    October 23, 2014 at 9:30 pm (8 years ago)

    Ah, your poor wheezing phone! You've worked it to death, Ali. Hilarious post, love it! xxx

  13. Judith Hurrell
    October 28, 2014 at 7:55 pm (8 years ago)

    Love this, and can totally relate. I live in fear of losing my phone. It's a sad state of affairs – but not as sad as an obsession storage and of plastic boxes 😉 so my fears are justified, I reckon! Great post honey. x

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    January 6, 2015 at 12:32 pm (8 years ago)

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