Things you do when you are on a diet

I am on a diet.

That’s one of the first things you do. You tell everyone you’re on a diet.
No I can’t finish off your half-chewed Smiley Face, darling. I am on a diet
A sweetener in my tea please pet instead of sugar. I am on a diet.
I can’t have a French Fancy mum. I am on a diet.
Listen shop keeper I don’t care if your sales of Twirls are down 400%. I am on a diet.

 

 
I must have been on 6,286 diets in my time so I am a bit of an expert. Well when I say expert, I mean it in the loosest sense. I haven’t actually managed to get rid of that half stone of weight each of my children left behind when they invaded my body like graffiti tag artists marking their turf. Bless them – so creative!

Then I thought I was big and clever not doing the January diet.
No one keeps to a diet in dark dank January I smugly thought stuffing in more Roses and finishing off the fake Baileys from Aldi. Now I bloody have another half stone of post-new year inhaling to add to the pile.

I did join a gym but that didn’t go too well. The gym instructor looked me up and down and asked which part of my body I most wanted to work on. Caught off guard (because it was quite clear which part what with me looking like I was being sponsored by Michelin Tyres in my joggers), I told him I’d just had a baby. Phew! Dodged that one nicely. But no he was a nosey hole (and an expert in post-natal exercise. Damnation) and wanted to know how old this baby was. One, I whispered. Which would be shame itself – except my baby is actually four. I’ve not been back yet. I’ll go when I’ve lost a stone.

 
The thing about dieting though is that I tend to make the same mistakes over and over in my attempt at some form of abstinence. I can’t be the only one. Does anyone else’s deluded dieting go something like this?

Day 1 & 2

 

  • Tell everyone you are on a diet. Did I mention this?
  • Swagger to the school drop off eating an apple telling everyone with your eyes ‘Yes, that’s right. This girl is on a diet. Diet. Here. Going on.’
  • Go to the shop and buy everything you normally eat but just in a low fat form. Even low fat chocolate cheesecake. Ace.
  • Go to the gym and feel epic because you can run for 20 minutes without getting breathless (you knew you were secretly a fit overweight type).
  • Try and not get jealous of the glamorous mum next to you with the trendy gym gear and curly blow dry.
  • Internet shop for gym clothes just like glamorous mum. Twins now. Also order a bum bag for the off road 12-mile running that you are going to start. Stop short (just) at a sweat band.
  • Eat a rice cake and decide they are quite nice after all.
  • Then day dream about what outfits you are going to wear in four weeks when you are skinny as a rake.
  • Not eat for half an hour and imagine all the fat breaking down in your stomach as it goes into starvation mode. Awesome.
  • Buy brown rice, cook brown rice, break tooth on brown rice, microwave some white rice.
  • Weigh self and try not to cry (or eat a comfort cake).

 

Day 3 & 4

  • Go to school drop off in new gym gear. Plus bum bag. It is great at hiding the spare tyre. Meet all the awestruck mums eye to eye. Yep. Still dieting. Now off for a run. I really am this marv.
  • Go back to the gym and only manage to walk for five minutes on the treadmill as all your muscles have seized up.
  • Hide in loos quick as glamorous mum comes in as it is obvious you are the “before” in the twin photo shoot.
  • Come home. Eat a rice cake.
  • Work out on fitness app that if walk up stairs 22 times you can have a Weight Watchers biscuit or a bag of Quavers.
  • Eye up that gorgeous dress from your honeymoon going dusty in your wardrobe and tell it ‘you and me baby, some time next week.’
  • Google juicers and juice diets on the internet. Get bored and google liposuction. Google bank loans. Look around to see if anything worth selling in house. Linger on crystal vase from aunt too long,
  • Sniff the children’s pizza fingers as they come out of the oven (lick two) and try to get excited about grilled salmon with vegetables (aka the punishment dinner).
  • Get randomly narky at husband over serious crime of not wiping shoes long enough on way in as finding it hard to grasp that excitement fully of penance delicious dinner.
  • Weigh self and try not to cry (or eat a comfort cake).
  • Go to bed at 8.15pm just so day is over and you don’t break and stuff face with Cherry Bakewells (which for the record taste of cardboard).

Day 5 & 6

  • Go shopping and decide you like Double Deckers more than you like the idea of a flat stomach.
  • Resist and feel saintly. Buy some of those thin versions of Dairy Milk (for the kids).
  • Come home and eat a rice cake and wonder if it would taste better with low fat chocolate cheesecake on it (it does!)
  • Thank the higher gods it’s Friday. And you are allowed wine. Just one mind.
  • Drink four glasses of wine and once husband distracted by Graham Norton hide in kitchen and stuff two Dairy Milks in your mouth without tasting them. Shurrup. It doesn’t count on a Friday.
  • Wake up and tell husband you are going the gym and hang around in the Starbucks with a skinny latte until enough time has passed to go home (have flash back to days when your parents sent you to Mass and you walked around the block for an hour).
  • Decide it’s time to try on that honeymoon dress. Come to Mama. Break zip. Wonder if you are actually six months pregnant and you are going to have one of those surprise babies (I only popped out to the chippy and came back with a baby).
  • Tell husband this must be why nothing fits you anymore. Wait til he has finished laughing his head off and stuff two more Dairy Milks in mouth (they are thin so you need two).
  • Demand Chinese take away for dinner as he was so mean.
  • Drink four more glasses of wine,
  • Weigh self. Grab another Dairy Milk.

Day 7

Oh Bog off

*And repeat same time, same place next week.

 

 

23 Comments on Things you do when you are on a diet

  1. Amanda
    February 5, 2015 at 3:36 pm (4 years ago)

    I'm laughing so loudly at this. I feel like you wrote this about me! lol. Brilliant ! x

    Reply
  2. Kiran Chug
    February 5, 2015 at 8:51 pm (4 years ago)

    This is actually my life. LOVE IT. (I've had three chocolate digestives while reading it too. I'm on day five x

    Reply
  3. Californian Mum in London
    February 5, 2015 at 9:00 pm (4 years ago)

    I love this post!! I never make it as far as the gym, so well done you. But I am troubled that you think bumbags are better than hairbands. They're not. Fact. 😉 xx

    Reply
  4. Judith Hurrell
    February 5, 2015 at 9:11 pm (4 years ago)

    You've nailed it with this one lovely. Laughing so hard at the going to bed at 8.15pm just so day is over. I am currently skulking round the kitchen wondering how early I can go to bed to minimise snacking damage. x

    Reply
  5. we3threeblog
    February 5, 2015 at 9:23 pm (4 years ago)

    Yes yes and yes i can relate to all this! im in week 3 of 5:2 and already i can feel an attack of the smugs coming to me. Ive stuck with it for agessss so surely the whole world must want to know about it right?! Great post.

    Reply
  6. Sian PottyMouthedMummy
    February 5, 2015 at 10:01 pm (4 years ago)

    Oh for shame, this is me every week. Runs off to eat oreos xx

    Reply
  7. 25castleson25clouds
    February 6, 2015 at 1:43 pm (4 years ago)

    Ha ha I can relate. Please don't think I am preaching or claiming to be some fitness guru (I am not) I found the best thing that worked for me was to have a smaller amount of whatever I wanted. Usually have 4 potatoes for tea, have 3. Want a chocolate biscuit have one but limit it to one (or occasionally 2) Since I stopped dieting and just started eating less I have never looked better!

    And I just want to highlight, I am an actual blogger and not some spam robot, I promise! No links to weight loss or dodgy internet sites!

    Reply
  8. Steph Douglas
    February 7, 2015 at 7:52 pm (4 years ago)

    Brilliant. Fucking rice cakes. They will never compare to the texture of biting down on fresh white bread, for goodness sake.

    Reply
  9. Alison Bloomer
    February 7, 2015 at 8:02 pm (4 years ago)

    Ha I know you not spam lovely and such great advice. Small steps in the only way. Thanks xx

    Reply
  10. Alison Bloomer
    February 8, 2015 at 8:08 am (4 years ago)

    You are my hero doing the 5:2. Tell everyone ha x

    Reply
  11. Alison Bloomer
    February 8, 2015 at 8:10 am (4 years ago)

    Haha bed is the only option sometimes x

    Reply
  12. Alison Bloomer
    February 8, 2015 at 8:11 am (4 years ago)

    Listen I wanted that sweat band I really did and the cuffs! And bright yellow off road jacket but baby steps 😉 x

    Reply
  13. Alison Bloomer
    February 8, 2015 at 8:13 am (4 years ago)

    You have to eat three – you only taste them after two ha x

    Reply
  14. Alison Bloomer
    February 8, 2015 at 8:14 am (4 years ago)

    Haha. If we didn't laugh we'd be crying.. Hang on is there calories in tears..

    Reply
  15. Emma Martin
    February 10, 2015 at 10:43 am (4 years ago)

    Oh Ali, I totally get this! I was so good in January but now have fallen off the wagon big style! I'm eating the Christmas chocolate by the bucket load ! Lots of hiding behind the fridge door scoffing Toblerone at 4pm! 😉 Loved this! Xx

    Reply
  16. Suzanne W
    February 10, 2015 at 12:34 pm (4 years ago)

    Oh yes, this is me ALL OVER! I've been saying that I'm 'cutting down' (in denial about being on a diet) since BEFORE Christmas and I still haven't lost a thing….or obvious reasons *cough* chocolate. I really would rather eat chocolate than be on a boring diet but I am going to the gym more regularly but still can't run for 20 minutes. Go you! x

    Reply
  17. Samantha P
    February 10, 2015 at 5:58 pm (4 years ago)

    Hilarious Ali! This is why they invented Spanx surely?? :-) Thanks for linking up to #thetruthabout

    Reply
  18. Wry Mummy
    February 10, 2015 at 10:24 pm (4 years ago)

    So good, Ali. Made me laugh a LOT! Very important to tell everyone to make them all feel bad about themselves, mwah ha ha. xx

    Reply
  19. Louise
    February 10, 2015 at 11:21 pm (4 years ago)

    Lol, love it! I think most of us can definitely relate to this :-)

    Reply
  20. brummymummyof2
    March 2, 2015 at 7:31 pm (4 years ago)

    Can I just inform you. DOUBLE DECKERS ARE LOW IN CALORIES!! Wahoo! x

    Reply
  21. Jenny Ripatti-Taylor
    March 12, 2015 at 10:02 pm (4 years ago)

    Oh hunny I have missed your witty blog posts so much. Sorry I have been slacking on the commenting I am desperately trying to keep up with it all. This is brilliant. I love it and am sharing it on my little loves post tomorrow. Hope that's ok. Off to catch up on more reading of your beautiful blog. Love the way you write darling.

    Reply

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