Mother-fudging Mondays

I hate Mondays. They show me up for the shambolic shyster that I am. You might see a mini household walking serenely to school, chatting amicably about the day ahead. Kids well turned out, water bottles to hand and book bags all organised. But let me shatter the illusion as it took blood, tears, swears and tantrums to get to this point. Don’t look too close at the slightly demented look in the mother’s eye.

This is how the madness that is Monday pans out in our house:

  • Get up half an hour late because the children who have been jumping on my head at 5.30am all weekend decide today is a good day for a lie in.
  • Jump out of bed in a panic. Realise that was a mistake as back goes into spasm after being squashed in a 10mm space all night while the Gabester lounges luxuriously across the centre of the bed.
  • Look in the mirror and recoil in horror. That time-saving exercise of having a Sunday night bath and washing your hair has backfired. Going to sleep with it wet as the hairdryer would have woke the beast (aka the baby) has left you sporting a 80s flick, greasy-looking, back-combed combo.
  • Sigh loudly when you realise you didn’t organise the uniforms and instead ate crisps whilst watching Mr Selfridge.
  • Realise that the shirts are still wet in the washing machine.
  • Attempt to iron shirts dry. Crank up the heating full blast so you can put them on the radiators. Emptying the dryer at this time of the morning is a bridge too far.
  • Remember that there is no milk or juice. That “big” shop over the weekend just didn’t materialise. Toast some stale bread and plonk tired children in front of the TV.
  • Have quick shower and dry yourself. Only realise it was the towel that the baby weed on after you’ve finished.
  • Attempt to flatten 80s flick hair. It is like cement. Give up and tie hair back.
  • Start to put some make up on so you don’t remain one pale shade off dead.
  • Harassed husband shouts he is leaving for work and mentions how delicious his rice cake was.
  • See his sarcasm and raise it. Yell ‘have a nice day dear’ through gritted teeth.
  • Change baby. Bring him downstairs for breakfast. Baby does a poo.
  • Change baby again.
  • Harassed husband comes home after driving half way to work after realising he has taken both car keys.
  • Start to feed the baby. Play 127 games of aeroplanes, mime 230 beeping trains, do 64 silly dances and shout 38 swear words. Baby still refuses to open mouth.
  • Give up and sit down to give him a bottle of milk.
  • Get too engrossed in Barbie and the Dreamhouse and the glitter shortage.
  • Check the time. Yell at children to just leave the untouched toast and put uniforms on. Ignore complaints of damp garments.
  • Mentally slap yourself for not taking your lie in yesterday instead of reading twitter with one eye open in a warm bed.
  • Get school bags out of car where they have lived all weekend.
  • Spend 6 hours signing homework dairies, permission slips, and piling up important school letters to be dealt with (forgotten about) later.
  • Discover baby has a Sports Relief day at nursery and needs to wear sports gear.
  • Change the baby.
  • Yell at children to put shoes on.
  • Yell at children to eat toast.
  • Yell at daughter for putting on tiny ankle socks instead of tights. Daughter ignores you.
  • Yell at son for not changing his underpants. Son ignores you.
  • Yell at children to put shoes on. They yell back that they can’t find them.
  • Spend 2 hours looking for school shoes. Find them in suitcase in wardrobe from when children played holidays on Saturday.
  • Feel bad about yelling and give them Hobnobs.
  • Go to leave. Realise daughter has put 9 clips randomly in her hair but not brushed it.
  • Spend 3 hours looking for a hair bobble.
  • Go to leave. Catch a glimpse of self in hall mirror. Realise you forgot to put makeup on other side of your face.
  • Go to lock door. Realise harassed husband has also taken your house key to work. Say nice things about husband in your head. Leave door on snip and pray the burglars are still buying Mars bars in the corner shop.
  • Trot tranquilly to school. Making sure you only show one side of your face at any given time. Saving the prettier version for the more glam mums.
  • Drop baby off at nursery.
  • Race home. Check all rooms for intruders.
  • Open all the windows as the house is hotter than the Sahara desert.
  • Pause.
  • Stop.
  • Listen.
  • Realise that the house is empty.
  • Realise that the house is quiet
  • Do a happy dance.
  • Realise that you love Mondays.

And then the fun began...

47 Comments on Mother-fudging Mondays

  1. Sam - Up All Hours
    March 24, 2014 at 12:41 pm (6 years ago)

    Had me laughing out loud! Thank you! Happy Monday! x

  2. Jess Paterson
    March 24, 2014 at 5:23 pm (6 years ago)

    So funny! Every night I have to force myself to choose between crap evening organising the next day in manner recommended by better mums, or getting up when my alarm goes and doing it then. I end up doing neither: I do what you do :) x

  3. Jome
    March 24, 2014 at 6:30 pm (6 years ago)

    Excellent, spot on!

  4. andthenthefunbegan
    March 24, 2014 at 8:48 pm (6 years ago)

    OMG is this what I've got to look forward to??! I did actually laugh out loud just now!

  5. Actually Mummy...
    March 25, 2014 at 11:40 am (6 years ago)

    Oh thank God! You mean it will all still be ok if I don't get the school bags out of the car and nag the kids to do their homework all weekend? *Waits for positive response.*
    VERY funny. And almost completely TRUE!

  6. Hurrah For Gin
    March 25, 2014 at 10:13 pm (6 years ago)

    Ha ha brilliant this is my life pretty much every day. Lots of yelling and lots of distribution of bribes :)

  7. Jenny Ripatti-Taylor
    March 26, 2014 at 8:55 pm (6 years ago)

    This is hilarious and had me laughing out loud for sure. Mr P just gave me the what's your deal look too! hahahaa Thank you so much for linking up to Share With Me I am loving reading your post each week. Brilliant. #sharewithme

  8. thelifeofwife
    March 26, 2014 at 9:42 pm (6 years ago)

    haha this is very funny! Glad it turned out well in the end!

  9. pixiedusk
    March 27, 2014 at 4:18 am (6 years ago)

    im with you in this =P


  10. Suzanne W
    March 27, 2014 at 1:14 pm (6 years ago)

    Now THIS made me life – this is my house! And I'm sure many others who would dare to admit such slackness. The going to bed with wet hair thing made me nod in agreement….and leaving the book bags in the car (in our house it's PE Kits)…oh and the yelling about the tiny ankle socks. The more I read this, the more relieved i am that it isn't just me! I will be sharing on my #fridayfavourites tomorrow if that's ok? x

  11. Suzanne W
    March 27, 2014 at 1:14 pm (6 years ago)

    'life'? *laugh* oh dear….

  12. Zena's Suitcase
    March 27, 2014 at 7:57 pm (6 years ago)

    Laughed at every line! Sums up a lot of Mondays I reckon Zx

  13. Judith Hurrell
    March 27, 2014 at 8:03 pm (6 years ago)

    Lol, this is great, I'm not at the school stage yet so deadlines are slightly more flexible, but we have still managed to complete at least half the things on your list for nursery. Why do kids ALWAYS sleep in on a Monday? x

  14. Alison Bloomer
    March 27, 2014 at 9:41 pm (6 years ago)

    Glad I am not alone – I'll do the same this weekend too watch ha x

  15. Alison Bloomer
    March 27, 2014 at 9:41 pm (6 years ago)

    Happy Monday back (or Thursday – that's how rubbish I am at comments) xxx

  16. Alison Bloomer
    March 27, 2014 at 9:43 pm (6 years ago)

    Yes – I am afraid so. But there are things you can do to be more organised (tell me when you find out!) xx

  17. Alison Bloomer
    March 27, 2014 at 9:48 pm (6 years ago)

    Of course it will. If you want to get to school late with half a face of make up and everyone fuming at each other haha. xx

  18. Alison Bloomer
    March 27, 2014 at 9:49 pm (6 years ago)

    Yelling and bribes is what makes the world work – genius move I say. xx

  19. Alison Bloomer
    March 27, 2014 at 9:49 pm (6 years ago)

    Thanks Jenny. It's a great link up. Thanks for hosting xxx

  20. Alison Bloomer
    March 27, 2014 at 9:55 pm (6 years ago)

    Well.. there was then Tuesday to contend with ha xx

  21. Alison Bloomer
    March 27, 2014 at 9:59 pm (6 years ago)

    We are all in this together
    Things can all get better xxx

  22. Alison Bloomer
    March 27, 2014 at 9:59 pm (6 years ago)

    Wow that would be ace. Thank you. And what is it with the ankle socks amid a deep freeze xx

  23. Alison Bloomer
    March 27, 2014 at 10:00 pm (6 years ago)

    Or everyday in this house ha xx

  24. Alison Bloomer
    March 27, 2014 at 10:05 pm (6 years ago)

    They are scamps aren't they. Or have a long nap when you need to be somewhere xxx

  25. Suzanne W
    March 28, 2014 at 10:25 am (6 years ago)

    Eek I knew there was another post I wanted to include in my #fridayfavourites today but couldn't remember it – sorry! Bit late but will include it in April's. x x

  26. Alison
    March 28, 2014 at 10:48 am (6 years ago)

    Glad its not just me!

  27. Eco Gites of Lénault
    March 28, 2014 at 9:39 pm (6 years ago)

    Excellent – I've been there and I have the T-shirt … but it is probably covered in baby vomit and lurking unwashed behind the linen basket!

  28. Amy Ransom
    March 29, 2014 at 8:21 am (6 years ago)

    Hilarious. Love your style. Both writing and trying to get out of the house! X

  29. Victoria Welton
    March 29, 2014 at 3:45 pm (6 years ago)

    Very funny and totally true! Although it has got easier as Grace has got older and I only have her! I do get fed up with nagging her to get dressed though! Thank you for linking to PoCoLo x

  30. ghostwritermummy
    March 29, 2014 at 5:45 pm (6 years ago)

    Haha, found myself nodding along to almost all of this!
    x x

  31. normaleverydaylife
    April 10, 2014 at 11:58 am (6 years ago)

    This is hysterical, I love it! Can totally relate and am so glad I'm not the only one!

  32. Izzie Anderton
    April 25, 2014 at 8:02 am (6 years ago)

    Hilarious, this took me back to trying to leave the house with my kids when they were small. I hate to disillusion you, but teenagers aren't any easier! I don't know how we do it to be honest!

  33. andthenthefunbegan
    April 26, 2014 at 11:23 am (6 years ago)

    OMG! I feel I have all this to come when my kids start school!! Well written, very funny! X

  34. Looking for Blue Sky
    April 30, 2014 at 5:41 pm (6 years ago)

    My youngest is 12 and not much has changed, except I wouldn't dare shout at any of them!

  35. normaleverydaylife
    June 13, 2014 at 12:21 pm (6 years ago)

    Hi Alison,
    I included a link to this in a post on my blog that went up last night. I enjoy your writing and humor so much! :)

  36. Leilani
    June 13, 2014 at 6:39 pm (6 years ago)

    LOL this is awesome. I especially love the part about one upping your husband's sarcasm. I'm an expert at that haha!

    June 16, 2014 at 5:55 pm (6 years ago)

    So very true, mornings can be such hard work can't they? One of my neighbours has been dropping my eldest to school since I had no.3 in Feb, makes such a difference but it still doesn't stop the tantrums between getting up and being picked up! Fab post :-)

  38. Caroline Elliott
    January 6, 2015 at 5:45 pm (5 years ago)

    Lol love it, sounds chaos but with a happy ending! Always nice yo know the truth behind the perfect happy scenes :) #thetruthabout

  39. Samantha P
    January 6, 2015 at 8:15 pm (5 years ago)

    Brilliant! I have something similar to this on a Tuesday when I have to get one to school, one to the childminder but then – bliss – an empty house and a chance to get some stuff done! Bliss. It really is the calm after the storm. As JJ started school in September I have noticed that my standards have dropped considerably in a short four months. Now it really is a case of just chuck any old thing on and race out of the house with smudged mascara. Thanks for linking to #thetruthabout and welcome!! X

  40. Spidermummy
    January 6, 2015 at 8:42 pm (5 years ago)

    Love this. It all sounds very, very familiar!!!!!! Except it's EVERY. SINGLE. DAY!! xx

  41. Mrs Tubbs
    November 13, 2015 at 12:57 pm (4 years ago)

    Like being a swan, no one sees all the effort behind the elegance! (Or in this case, the being on time with everything you should have!)


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